Intrusive Thoughts – Suicide And Mental Health

intrusive-thoughts

I’m writing this because I want to know that this is… Not so much a normal thing but a common thing. Throughout most of my teenage years, I have daydreamed about committing suicide. I would just like to emphasise that this doesn’t mean I’m going to be killing myself, I’m not depressed nor do I have terrible suicidal tendencies but just like, I don’t know, just thinking about it. I have ran through my head a scary amount of times how I would do it, when I would do it, where I would do it, from wondering how everyone would react and how the news would spread to who would find me and what music I would play throughout the ordeal, if any gets played at all. I’ve contemplated what I would write in a suicide letter and whether I’d say goodbye whilst still present or not run the risk of someone getting to me before it were too late.

I’m not really sure why I have these thoughts. As a whole, I’m quite a happy person, I have some lovely friends, a great family, a nice job, a blog that I love, a few hobbies, nothing really to complain about other than the weather. However, these intrusive thoughts still worm their way into my mind.

My family is no stranger to suicide so I thought it might have stemmed from that or books that I read and films that I watch but after discussing it with my mum, I’ve concluded that it might just be an over-active, over-curious imagination, when normal day dreams no longer satisfy me, I suppose my head just trails off onto more dramatic topics, like suicide. But even when they cross my mind, they don’t upset me, they don’t even so much as disturb me anymore, they’re just… Inconvenient like, I’ll be working, just wiping tables down and boom, in my head, I’ve OD’d.

Again, I’m not sad, or even unhappy and unsatisfied with my position in life, upfront, I don’t feel like that. But I always wonder WHY I have thoughts like this. Is it my subconscious telling me to get out of a situation or to escape? I feel like that’s what a shrink would tell me or something haha. Either way, do any of you guys get intrusive thoughts like this where you haven’t decided to think about them but they come from out of no where? If so, then let me know in the comments so I know I’m not the only one!

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3 Comments

  1. December 12, 2016 / 10:06 pm

    Hey, I thought that was a rather daring blog, considering there are all sorts of people out there that might jump on the “OMG, she’s in danger wagon”, but it appears that it is a curiosity, and perhaps like you say an overactive imagination. There is some thinking that our subconscious or our heart/soul communicates through dreams and thoughts. Perhaps it is your subconscious you just saying, ok, we need to switch things up, move on to bigger/better/more interesting/challenging something…wiping table will put food in front of you, but we all need more that that! our minds are an enigma to some degree, many things can hold us back from doing/saying/feeling exactly what it is. The brain has “its ways” to get through, albeit a puzzle or weird dreams. As long as you truly ARE happy with your lot in life, excellent, I think it is great to be somewhat philosophic, probing, and curious about your own thoughts, feelings, etc and that of others around you. Being real/authentic is tough but so much more rewarding that faking it…Just my two cents worth.

  2. Eden
    December 29, 2016 / 8:42 pm

    Very nicely written. No you are not the only one…I myself am a RN who works full time in the psychiatric field and often find those same intrusive uncomfortable and sometimes hair rising thoughts darting across like a stray bullet I don’t know why either…they are just that …Intrusive. Intrusive uninvited pests. Some days better than others. Wish you well and keep blogging !

  3. anxiouswriter
    June 2, 2017 / 9:05 am

    Hey,
    I just found your youtube video. I totally relate to you, and I self identify as having harm OCD focused on self-harm. Hopefully this helps you. Don’t worry, you’re not crazy or alone. Sending virtual hugs.

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