I’m writing this because I want to know that this is… Not so much a normal thing but a common thing. Throughout most of my teenage years, I have daydreamed about committing suicide. I would just like to emphasise that this doesn’t mean I’m going to be killing myself, I’m not depressed nor do I have terrible suicidal tendencies but just like, I don’t know, just thinking about it. I have ran through my head a scary amount of times how I would do it, when I would do it, where I would do it, from wondering how everyone would react and how the news would spread to who would find me and what music I would play throughout the ordeal, if any gets played at all. I’ve contemplated what I would write in a suicide letter and whether I’d say goodbye whilst still present or not run the risk of someone getting to me before it were too late.
I’m not really sure why I have these thoughts. As a whole, I’m quite a happy person, I have some lovely friends, a great family, a nice job, a blog that I love, a few hobbies, nothing really to complain about other than the weather. However, these intrusive thoughts still worm their way into my mind.
My family is no stranger to suicide so I thought it might have stemmed from that or books that I read and films that I watch but after discussing it with my mum, I’ve concluded that it might just be an over-active, over-curious imagination, when normal day dreams no longer satisfy me, I suppose my head just trails off onto more dramatic topics, like suicide. But even when they cross my mind, they don’t upset me, they don’t even so much as disturb me anymore, they’re just… Inconvenient like, I’ll be working, just wiping tables down and boom, in my head, I’ve OD’d.
Again, I’m not sad, or even unhappy and unsatisfied with my position in life, upfront, I don’t feel like that. But I always wonder WHY I have thoughts like this. Is it my subconscious telling me to get out of a situation or to escape? I feel like that’s what a shrink would tell me or something haha. Either way, do any of you guys get intrusive thoughts like this where you haven’t decided to think about them but they come from out of no where? If so, then let me know in the comments so I know I’m not the only one!