Hello everyone, I’m Fraser! Courtney said I can write a blog post for her so here I am!
There are a couple of things that run through my head on a regular basis and I’m curious if anyone else feels this, if you do and you’re uncomfortable with the thoughts; how do you deal with them?
The other day I was in Sainsbury’s, looking for coffee, when out of nowhere something hit me like a brick wall; “I don’t belong here.” I don’t mean just in Sainsbury’s; but as if I have no place on this earth because I’m an odd-ball, an outsider, a glitch, so on and so forth.
I’m no stranger to this feeling, in fact, I feel as if it’s a normal part of my day now, y’know, wake up, clean my teeth, contemplate my existence, go make some Coco Pops.
But it plays on my mind a lot. I’m a gigging musician, and I hate, with a passion, being in the same place for too long and getting comfortable with my surroundings. I spent a majority of last year sofa surfing, it was near enough a new room in a new house with new people every day; and I loved it. However now I’m in my own flat, I finally have a room with all my belongings in… I feel like I’m trapped in a cage, I want out. It’s so frustrating.
To a lot of people, that’s a dream come true, being 19 with somewhere to call your own, but to me… it’s boring as hell. I’m in the same room, surrounded by the same people, doing the same, common place idle tasks, day in, day out. I want to be out there, I don’t know where “there” is but it’s where I want to be. I look around my room and analyse each and every object, from my television, to my wardrobe; even down to my posters and think “I don’t need any of this, I can live without.”
You see, I have come to realize that everything you come across in this world is temporary, from your current situation in life, people that you know and meet, right through to your feelings (though in some cases, this can be a good thing, like when the waiter/waitress says “enjoy your meal” and your dumb ass replies “you too” and your body folds into a ball and you can hear Satan laughing in the distance). But what I’m trying to say is that I have a certain amount of years on this earth and I’m not up for wasting them in a job I hate, surrounded by people I don’t fit in with so that I can earn a bit of money so I can buy some materialistic objects that’ll make me feel slightly good about myself… Nope, not for me.
When I die, I don’t want people to remember me as “the man with the nice television”, I want to leave a legacy behind and a ton of memories, so that when someone’s sad they can just think about something stupid they did with me and laugh and be happy again and I’ll still be making people happy even when I’m gone. I want people to be at my funeral, dressed as grim reapers, humour is a great way to make the best out of a bad situation and I live for that… In this example I wouldn’t be living for it but you get the point. I want people to be at my wake, sharing memories with each other, crying with laughter rather than sadness at stories that start with things like “I remember when Fraser…”
What I’m trying to say is that life is like a menu, people will eat the same side, same main, same dessert, every time, and be happy with that. Good for them. Me on the other hand… Not so much. I want to flip over to the other side of the menu and explore the things I didn’t know existed. I want to find things that will make my taste buds tingle in ways I didn’t know were possible. I want to try the good things and bad things. Life is about experiences; so experience as much as possible whilst you still can, because I know that when I’m on my death bed, I will have a pocket full of memories and bag full of experiences and as I gently laugh myself into a peaceful sleep I can say…
“It’s an Experience”.